A milestone

For the first time in two years, I wore pants without an an elastic waistband! I have been feeling like a total badass all day.

I've been weighing in at around 174, down from my all time high of 190. Sadly, 173 was my "fat weight" until a couple of years ago.

In other goals, I sat down to dinner today rather than eating standing up while I was doing other things. Even though it was a simple meal and I wolfed it down in 10 minutes, it still felt like an occasion. It really did feel more satisfactory. And I'm getting a lot better at using up the produce in my CSA box. I made a fantastic sausage and lentil soup (with some home made bacon to saute the veggies--yum!) and a bell pepper and orzo salad today. I'm feeling quite smug about my awesomeness today.

No easy answers

I am ending the week in the hole with Weight Watchers AND registering another 2 lb weight loss.

This is getting frustrating because at this point I honestly don't know what is making me lose weight. I was losing (albeit very, very slowly) when I was biking to work. I sometimes lose and sometimes not on Weight Watchers, even though I almost always go over my point limit and even though I am almost constantly hungry and unsatisfied. The first week at boot camp, I gained 4 lbs and have lost 5 in the last two. Some people tell me to eat just 3 meals a day, others 6 small meals. I'm totally confused at this point.

I definitely think boot camp is a big help. My body absolutely loves it. I feel great and I look considerably more toned. I think that the high-intensity workout and weight training have been key. Yesterday I got into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to squeeze into for years! I'm terrified of what is going to happen after my session ends. I don't have the money to do it more than a couple of times per year. Right now, I'm planning to get a monthly or per-visit pass to my gym so I can do more weight lifting and weights classes. I think being in a class would be helpful to keep me honest. In the coldest months I'm going to need the gym for all of my workouts.

Maybe I'll try that six small meals plan, while keeping a closer eye on the kind of snacks I'm eating and reducing my main meals. I think that part will be hard too. I need to make sure that the total amount I'm eating doesn't increase.

Milestone

Yesterday, I…

Did 15 real, honest to god, manly, on the tips of my toes and my butt not in the air push ups! I’m really shocked by how quickly my body is being transformed by boot camp. I haven’t been this fit in years. I must figure out a way to keep this going!

Went shopping and didn’t want to kill myself afterwards! I haven’t bought clothes in years (see, broke-ass-ness and expanding butt-ness) and desperately need some new things. I didn’t end up buying anything, but the things I tried on fit better than they have in years. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I had options.

Got lectured by the Guy about my extreme moodiness. I suppose it’s well-deserved. I’m mentioning it here because I think I need to learn to manage my emotions better. I definitely eat when I’m stressed or upset so perhaps learning to manage my feelings better might help me manage my stress eating.

Falling off the wagon

It has been a difficult week, weight-wise. Not surprisingly, my Weight Watchers weigh-in registered a 4.2 lb gain, although I was surprised that you can put on 4 lbs in one week! I didn't know you could put on weight that fast.

So what happened?

Well, I ate my stress and several times went waaaay over my points limit. Money has been super-tight, Guy’s job search is going nowhere (though he is a trooper and keeps sending out resumes), and I’m really, really tired of being the household breadwinner. I can’t support both of us. He knows this and is doing his best to change the situation, but that doesn’t mean that it has resulted in a change yet. Things at home keep breaking and I don’t have the money to replace them, which sucks. And I desperately don’t want to end up like his parents: perpetually underemployed, terminally ill, uninsured, and with no retirement funds. I’ve articulated this to Guy, and he keeps saying that he doesn’t want that either, but sometimes I wonder if he’s capable of changing that trajectory because until a few years ago, that was definitely his future.

I had an informational interview, which went fairly well but was still stressful. It was at a fattening restaurant, so I just went with the flow and stress ate a bunch of deep-fried fat. I also realized that I’m a few years away from being qualified for my dream job and so will have to change tactics for the time being. I’m not happy about that part, but it does feel good to have some direction and ideas.

I also stopped biking to work since starting boot camp (because there’s no way I can do both.) Boot camp has completely kicked my ass. I’m constantly in pain—like having to use the handrails in the handicapped stall in the bathroom because my thighs hurt like hell kind of pain. I’m constantly sore, tired and hungry. I’m eating more but I think I’m actually burning fewer calories than before. Since my bike commute means about 5 hours a week on my bike, and I’m only in boot camp 3 hours per week, I suspect I’m burning less.

Oof... Here's hoping I can turn it around.

Reflections

Yesterday afternoon threw me for a loop. My father (with whom I have a very difficult and hostile relationship) was in town for a meeting and called wanting to drop by for tea. So rather than relaxing after a difficult week (where the guy learned that he didn't get the great job he had interviewed for which would have totally saved our impoverished bacon, and where he then learned that his mother is terminally ill) instead I spent the afternoon cleaning and baking up a healthy apple tart for us to eat. And stressing about the horrible things he would say to me. And not being mindful of what I was eating. Well, his meeting ran late and rather than coming over, he just dropped off two huge bags of unhealthy Polish food.

And then we went to a friend's for dinner, where he cooked up an amazing Italian feast and where I ate until it hurt. And then this morning I skipped my bike ride (because I was exhausted) and ate the aforementioned Polish food.

An inauspicious end to my week. But I made myself a veggie heavy afternoon snack (homemade pico de gallo--yum!) and am getting back on track. It's taco salad for dinner. And I start boot camp on Tuesday.

I hope the coming week is better. On all levels.

Resolutions

So overall, things are going well for me in the weight loss department. I bike to work (9 miles each way) a few times per week and (after two months) I think I'm finally getting the hang of Weight Watchers. During the last few weeks, the pounds have been melting off me.

Aside: it's an odd sensation to have weight coming off so easily after working so hard and seeing so little results for so long. I don't quite believe it's real. It's making me kind of giddy.

It's going well. Except for about once per week, when I'm very tired from a workout or I was especially bored at work or something. When my defenses are down, the rest of the tart d'alsaice or chocolate cream pie starts looking mighty tasty. It happened last night. I had a very dull day at work, no progress on my or Guy's job search, an especially windy bike ride home and no money to spend on the things that I'd really like to do thing weekend (buy cool stuff at the Renegade Craft Fair or sign up for my favorite biking event.) I are a reasonable dinner, and then stress-ate the rest of the tart and some ice cream.

I know it's not a binge by eating disorder standards (it was only, like, 300 calories) and I'm still losing weight, but it's something I'd like to try to remedy. My New Year's resolution for 2010 was to find a constructive way to deal with my stress, and overall I think I'm getting better. But there's clearly room for improvement. Maybe I can set aside enough money from our tiny budget to get a student massage at the massage therapy school (the students are much better than I would have guessed) and try to think of a cheap way to broaden and bring a little glamour to my broke-ass life.

And definitely get more sleep. I suspect that will make everything better.

Gee, thanks...

As of this week, I've lost 10 lbs towards my goal of 30 lbs. Usually at this point (from my extensive yo-yo dieting experience) friends and coworkers start commenting on the weight loss. But no one has mentioned anything to me yet. I asked my guy if you can see the difference yet. His response? "Well, I have noticed that your boobs look bigger. I guess it's probably because the rest of you is getting smaller..."

Ew?

My beau—a brainy cyclist—loves websites like this one. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, some of it is clearly so porny. On the other, there are pictures of tough, healthy, athletic women. I can hardly object to his type. If some of these these photos weren’t so trashy, I would probably have them flagged for my thinspiration.

And yet….

Biting the bullet

Sooo, after much deliberation, I have decided to joint Weight Watchers. I tried WW about 10 years ago when trying to lose the last 10 lbs when it became clear it wasn't going to happen through marathon training. I went to meetings at work, with very nice women who were decades older, had long ago given up on their appearances, and clearly very uncomfortable with physical activity. Needless to say, I didn't fit in with this crowd and gave up on the meetings.

But this summer, desperate for an answer, I checked out their website. And on the website, there was a free trial offer...

I've been doing it for about two months, and I have to admit that it's working. I don't go to meetings, but keep track of everything online (solving the hassle of converting food to points--the internet finally being used for good rather than evil.) I even like the recipes I've tried so far. I still kind of feel like a haggard middle-aged, soap-watching, cat-owning spinster doing it. I wish there was a way to make it cool though.

Family Ties

My parents were in town for a few days, leading to a Polish-food eating frenzy. SO DELICIOUS. While the Poles get a major FAIL on several food fronts (exclusive worship of pork products, utter lack of leafy greens in diet, bland-tastic-ness, etc), I must say that they get quite a few wins. The desserts have maybe half as much sugar as American desserts, and it’s a lot easier to feel satiated after a small portion of dessert with full fat and less sugar. Same is true for delicious non-American yogurts. There are lots of beans and whole grains, and no Polish kid grows up hating vegetables. My brother and I both know how to cook and take food very, very seriously.

Unfortunately, these benefits are not very helpful if you eat giant portions of aforementioned good food. After an initial gorging, I am taking a novel approach and freezing the leftovers to be enjoyed in the future, one reasonable portion at a time. Hopefully the kabanosy and Wedel chocolates will taste just as good after time in the freezer. I will be sorely disappointed if that’s not the case.

I also went for a run last night, despite being exhausted from entertaining the folks for a few days. The run was ok. Not great, but easier than I thought considering the massive fatigue-induced headache I had. But I did the miles. Hopefully the triathlon won’t eat me alive. But I’m struggling to figure out a way to get my workouts in when I’m tired. And struggling to not be so tired. When did that happen? Is this age catching up? Or is something going on, I wonder…

Incentive

The good: finally joining a running group for the first time today. Met some great people, did my miles with good support and at a faster pace.

The bad: not being able to avoid the huge unforgiving mirror while changing into my running clothes. Dear God, how did I let this happen?!?

They may be onto something here...

Those Frenchies may have the right idea. Something for me to keep in mind when contemplating the boredom-induced trip to the office vending machine. Via here.

Anybody out there?

SWF in a large American metropolis, seeking community of women who are trying to lose weight, who don't hate themselves, who love to eat real food and who have a sense of humor about it. I promise not to post photos of my food or self-flagellate for eating a cookie. Anyone out there?