Falling off the wagon

It has been a difficult week, weight-wise. Not surprisingly, my Weight Watchers weigh-in registered a 4.2 lb gain, although I was surprised that you can put on 4 lbs in one week! I didn't know you could put on weight that fast.

So what happened?

Well, I ate my stress and several times went waaaay over my points limit. Money has been super-tight, Guy’s job search is going nowhere (though he is a trooper and keeps sending out resumes), and I’m really, really tired of being the household breadwinner. I can’t support both of us. He knows this and is doing his best to change the situation, but that doesn’t mean that it has resulted in a change yet. Things at home keep breaking and I don’t have the money to replace them, which sucks. And I desperately don’t want to end up like his parents: perpetually underemployed, terminally ill, uninsured, and with no retirement funds. I’ve articulated this to Guy, and he keeps saying that he doesn’t want that either, but sometimes I wonder if he’s capable of changing that trajectory because until a few years ago, that was definitely his future.

I had an informational interview, which went fairly well but was still stressful. It was at a fattening restaurant, so I just went with the flow and stress ate a bunch of deep-fried fat. I also realized that I’m a few years away from being qualified for my dream job and so will have to change tactics for the time being. I’m not happy about that part, but it does feel good to have some direction and ideas.

I also stopped biking to work since starting boot camp (because there’s no way I can do both.) Boot camp has completely kicked my ass. I’m constantly in pain—like having to use the handrails in the handicapped stall in the bathroom because my thighs hurt like hell kind of pain. I’m constantly sore, tired and hungry. I’m eating more but I think I’m actually burning fewer calories than before. Since my bike commute means about 5 hours a week on my bike, and I’m only in boot camp 3 hours per week, I suspect I’m burning less.

Oof... Here's hoping I can turn it around.

Reflections

Yesterday afternoon threw me for a loop. My father (with whom I have a very difficult and hostile relationship) was in town for a meeting and called wanting to drop by for tea. So rather than relaxing after a difficult week (where the guy learned that he didn't get the great job he had interviewed for which would have totally saved our impoverished bacon, and where he then learned that his mother is terminally ill) instead I spent the afternoon cleaning and baking up a healthy apple tart for us to eat. And stressing about the horrible things he would say to me. And not being mindful of what I was eating. Well, his meeting ran late and rather than coming over, he just dropped off two huge bags of unhealthy Polish food.

And then we went to a friend's for dinner, where he cooked up an amazing Italian feast and where I ate until it hurt. And then this morning I skipped my bike ride (because I was exhausted) and ate the aforementioned Polish food.

An inauspicious end to my week. But I made myself a veggie heavy afternoon snack (homemade pico de gallo--yum!) and am getting back on track. It's taco salad for dinner. And I start boot camp on Tuesday.

I hope the coming week is better. On all levels.

Resolutions

So overall, things are going well for me in the weight loss department. I bike to work (9 miles each way) a few times per week and (after two months) I think I'm finally getting the hang of Weight Watchers. During the last few weeks, the pounds have been melting off me.

Aside: it's an odd sensation to have weight coming off so easily after working so hard and seeing so little results for so long. I don't quite believe it's real. It's making me kind of giddy.

It's going well. Except for about once per week, when I'm very tired from a workout or I was especially bored at work or something. When my defenses are down, the rest of the tart d'alsaice or chocolate cream pie starts looking mighty tasty. It happened last night. I had a very dull day at work, no progress on my or Guy's job search, an especially windy bike ride home and no money to spend on the things that I'd really like to do thing weekend (buy cool stuff at the Renegade Craft Fair or sign up for my favorite biking event.) I are a reasonable dinner, and then stress-ate the rest of the tart and some ice cream.

I know it's not a binge by eating disorder standards (it was only, like, 300 calories) and I'm still losing weight, but it's something I'd like to try to remedy. My New Year's resolution for 2010 was to find a constructive way to deal with my stress, and overall I think I'm getting better. But there's clearly room for improvement. Maybe I can set aside enough money from our tiny budget to get a student massage at the massage therapy school (the students are much better than I would have guessed) and try to think of a cheap way to broaden and bring a little glamour to my broke-ass life.

And definitely get more sleep. I suspect that will make everything better.

Gee, thanks...

As of this week, I've lost 10 lbs towards my goal of 30 lbs. Usually at this point (from my extensive yo-yo dieting experience) friends and coworkers start commenting on the weight loss. But no one has mentioned anything to me yet. I asked my guy if you can see the difference yet. His response? "Well, I have noticed that your boobs look bigger. I guess it's probably because the rest of you is getting smaller..."

Ew?

My beau—a brainy cyclist—loves websites like this one. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, some of it is clearly so porny. On the other, there are pictures of tough, healthy, athletic women. I can hardly object to his type. If some of these these photos weren’t so trashy, I would probably have them flagged for my thinspiration.

And yet….

Biting the bullet

Sooo, after much deliberation, I have decided to joint Weight Watchers. I tried WW about 10 years ago when trying to lose the last 10 lbs when it became clear it wasn't going to happen through marathon training. I went to meetings at work, with very nice women who were decades older, had long ago given up on their appearances, and clearly very uncomfortable with physical activity. Needless to say, I didn't fit in with this crowd and gave up on the meetings.

But this summer, desperate for an answer, I checked out their website. And on the website, there was a free trial offer...

I've been doing it for about two months, and I have to admit that it's working. I don't go to meetings, but keep track of everything online (solving the hassle of converting food to points--the internet finally being used for good rather than evil.) I even like the recipes I've tried so far. I still kind of feel like a haggard middle-aged, soap-watching, cat-owning spinster doing it. I wish there was a way to make it cool though.